Hello. My name is Alina, and I'm a perfectionist. I struggle with letting others help me...because they may do it differently than I would (or less than perfectly). I am completely unable to delegate tasks because by the time I explain the "correct" way to do something, I could have just done it myself. I can't even begin to count the times I've said, "that's not the way I would have done it..." and no you're not imagining the condescending tone there.
I've allowed myself to believe that my way is the best way. That my way is what helps me avoid anxiety and stress. But you want to know what I've learned? Those are lies. I'm not less stressed out when I'm having to do everything by myself because in my head everyone else does it wrong. I'm not less anxious when I'm running around like a chicken with its head cut off to accomplish 10x what the average human is supposed to do in a day. And the worst part? I'm not accomplishing anything of substance because I'm stressing about every tiny detail of the most mundane things!
In the last 30 days, I've gotten a major wake up call. I don't know what finally made it all click, but I finally realized that I'm not meant to do it all. God didn't design this life for me to just be busy. And He, more than anyone, knows just how fall short from perfect I really fall. Why am I, a person who values authenticity above all else, struggling and working so hard to keep up this appearance of perfection?
So what do you do when you realize that you're surrounding yourself with all the wrong things? Let's be clear, I don't mean bad things. Being the go to volunteer at school is great...if you're spending every moment of your time (and not just your free time) to help out with any and every thing, you're doing a disservice not only to yourself, but also to the other parents who may step up if you got out of their way. Being the super PTA mom is great...but if you're taking on every single project, what's the rest of the team supposed to do? Being on the Women's Ministry board at church is great...but if you're so tied up in every other over-commitment that you can't even make it to class on the regular, how exactly are you serving those women?
I could go on and on, but you get the picture. And I know I'm not the only one. Moms today are tired and I think more so than ever before. We're running kids to 1700 different activities and making sure that we look like supermom to our friends on every social media platform available. We're grabbing fast food through the drive through on our way from PTA meetings to drop the kids off before we run off to Bunco night or soccer practice. It's not that what we're doing is bad, but we're not leaving any breathing room, or at least I wasn't.
After almost 2 years of non-stop over-commitment, it finally became crystal clear. In trying to serve everybody, I actually wasn't serving anybody. And you know what, I'm tired of sleepless nights, staying up trying to finish another project that was delegated to someone else, but I somehow managed to take over (whether through their failure to finish or my idea that I could do it better.)
So, what do you do when you realize that you're an exhausted, over-committed, perfectionist with an unrealistic desire to be supermom? You re-evaluate. And I'm talking EVERYTHING. Re-evaluate it all!
"...trying to be Perfect with a capital P isn't all it's cracked up to be...It takes courage to admit that you are both flawed and vulnerable, and BEING COURAGEOUS IS BETTER THAN BEING PERFECT any day of the week and twice on Sunday." - Sarah Knight
Over the last week, I have working my way through a devotional called "100 Days to Brave." Y'all if you asked me on any given day if I thought I was brave, I would say "heck yeah!" I've endured some crazy ish in my life and survived it all. I'm not generally one to start a fight, but I'll certainly finish it. I'm not one to back down. But there's a different kind of bravery...and I don't have it naturally.
I'm a sucker for the rules. Even rules that aren't really rules but more like social suggestions. You know, like don't wear white after Labor Day. That's not a rule, but I'm still scared to break it. WHY? Who is it hurting if I rock those white jeans in January?? I mean they would look fabulous with those new boots I just bought! I'm tired of perfection! Or better yet, the illusion of perfection. Well behaved women rarely make history, I can't remember who said that, but dang it's true!! Why should we be afraid to bend (or straight up break) these social rules that tell us we have to sign up for everything, we have to have perfectly clean houses at all times (I know I'm not the only one scrambling to make our house look like it's just been featured in Southern Living when company is coming), our kids have to be in the cutest clothes and signed up for every single activity...and going to what feels like 4,000 birthday parties in a year. (I've been the mom throwing those over the top parties. I get it moms, I really do, but admit it, we're all tired of spending so much hard earned money on birthday presents that are just going to sit in a drawer or get donated to Goodwill in a few months.)
So much of what we do is defined by what other people will see and think. Whether we realize it or not, we're consumed by it. And I'll tell you, I pride myself on not caring what other people think. But then WHAM! It hit me like a ton of bricks!! If I don't care what other people think, why am I running myself ragged chasing perfection and keeping myself constantly over-committed and so busy that there's hardly time to breathe? Am I doing that for me? Am I doing that because it is improving my family's quality of life? Am I doing it because God has put it on my heart to keep this unattainable schedule? NOPE!! I'm doing it because someone else asked me to. And then I'm putting my own unreasonable expectations on a project or task that I already don't have time for. Then when other people see that I'm somehow managing to do all of these things, you know what they think? Wow, wouldn't it be great if she could help me with ____________. It's not their fault, it's mine. I'm giving the allusion that I'm available for every single thing. I'm giving people permission to sign me up for every project without thinking through the time commitment or how this will fit into an already ridiculous schedule. It's nobody's fault but my own. Because I'm spending my life chasing perfection.
Not one minute longer, y'all. Shoot, not one more second. When I realized what I was doing and the impact it was having on my family, my relationships, and even on my health, I knew something had to change and fast. But how would I know what I could take off of my plate? I mean, it all seemed so important...I certainly couldn't stop doing ___________ and I definitely couldn't step down from ___________. I saw no options of anything that I could just stop doing. NOT ONE THING. It was all too important. So, I started praying. And not just here and there, but every time I found a had a spare moment. Begging God to show me how to turn things around and start letting Him fill my calendar (and my life) with the things He had purposed for me.
I wasn't prepared for the answer I got and if I'm honest I didn't like. I didn't see how it could possibly work. He wasn't calling me to take one thing off my plate. Not one single thing...but ALL THE THINGS. As I was looking at my calendar, I saw the plan so clearly. Every single one of my commitments wrapped up around the same time. As long as I didn't take anything else on and simply didn't recommit to keeping up these jobs/projects/tasks for another year, I could finish what I had agreed to do and step down from everything with a clear conscience. I hadn't planned that, God did. Before I even knew that I had a problem, He was already orchestrating my out.
Y'all, I don't know if you're in the same place I am feeling overwhelmed, over-worked, and just plain exhausted, but there is freedom in knowing that we aren't called to live this way. There is peace in knowing that God doesn't want this for us and it's okay to take a step back.
Last night, I sat in a room filled with women I love and care about. One in particular that I believe is in the same place I am, with too much on her plate and the world on her shoulders, and who I count as one of my closest friends. I had to look these women in the eyes and let them know that I was stepping down from our church's women's ministry. That I was no longer able to stand alongside them and serve in the same capacity. That I believed God was moving me out of the way so that another woman, whose heart He was already working on, would have a place to step into. Reactions were mixed from encouragement and thanks for my almost 2 years of service to tears and hurt feelings. It hurt my heart to feel like I was leaving these women vulnerable and piling more work on their shoulders. It hurt me to walk away from something I desperately want to be a part of, but today I'm clinging to the fact that God will provide for them and He is leading me into a new chapter, maybe even a new book entirely, and only He knows what it looks like. And I trust that it is exactly what my heart and body need after this challenging season.
Mamas, I think sometimes we just need to hear that we're not alone. That someone else is walking the same road, even if they are a couple of steps ahead of us. And I think that sometimes we need someone to say...it's okay to fail. It's okay to walk away. It's okay to stop trying to be everything to everyone. And it's okay to take care of you. I'm right there with you and I'm praying for you. I pray that God will create a peace in your heart that allows you to see the places where you can step back and reevaluate those over-commitments. And more than anything, I pray that you will take time to take care of you. You matter, mama! (And so does your sanity!)
