Baby Loss, Depression, and a Heart That Keeps on Beating

I've been struggling to write this post for awhile mainly because I can't figure out where I'm going with it. I've felt led to write this post for over a week, but to be real, I didn't want to be this honest or this transparent in a place where I have little to no control over the audience. 

I pride myself on authenticity. If I can't be honest, I'll just be quiet...hence my MIA status recently. I was dealing with complete writer's block while I struggled and argued through all the reasons this post didn't need to be written. I didn't need to be "this real." What it really boils down to is that I don't like for what I perceive to be weakness to be shown. If I'm struggling with something that I have control over, like being unable to run a mile, I can share that...because I can change it. I can do the work and eventually be able to do it. I can share past struggles because I've already conquered them. But if I'm being totally honest, I don't know that I would have had the courage to talk about them while I was in the middle of them. I mean when I was struggling through food addiction, I hid it even from my husband. I was ashamed and nobody knew. But I have fought those demons and come out stronger on the other side. What I'm sharing today hasn't been conquered and I have zero power in this situation. (Oh dear, here come the water works!!!)

I have no idea where this is going to go. I don't know where we'll end up at the end or how I'll know when I'm done writing, but I'm just going to go with this and hope something cohesive comes out. 

The last couple of weeks, have been just plain hard. I've been in a funk and I haven't been able to pinpoint exactly what's going on. My energy levels have been super low and I've been allowing myself to come up with excuses to ditch workouts, skip church when I didn't feel well, but totally could have still gone, and let myself detach from friendships. Until Saturday, I had yet to voice what was going on in my head and until the words actually came out, I really felt like I didn't know what was wrong with me. 

I guess we'll need to back up a bit and circle back around. In the last year and a half, I've been working hard to rebuild a relationship with Christ. After years of being angry with God for circumstances out of my control, I joined an amazing church, found a group of amazing friends, and was finally able to let go of anger that had been pulling me down. At a time when my faith was the strongest it's ever been in my life, I was dealt a devastating blow.

My husband and I have very different opinions about whether or not we're done growing our family. He says we're done, and I say something is missing. We each have our reasons and neither is wrong, but there is a hole in my heart, an ache for a baby that nothing else fills. In May of last year when I found out I was pregnant, I was excited and yet terrified. We didn't have enough room, we weren't prepared, what would Jake say...but mainly one thought circled through my mind...finally. I felt like God had stepped in and made the decision for us. I was on birth control and yet here was this little miracle. And then before I could sort through all of the emotions, he was gone. 

I waited for that all familiar anger to come back but it never did. I leaned into God and found comfort in studying my Bible. My heart was shattered and I didn't understand, but I held fast to the knowledge that His plans are higher than mine. I took solace in the story of Job and how God provided more than what had been taken away. I hurt worse than I had ever hurt before, but I never stopped trusting. 

Holidays came and went. My due date passed with no little bundle of joy. My heart was broken but it just kept on beating. In January, during our church's home groups, I was asked to share my testimony with our women's group. Y'all I can write to you all day long, but don't ask me to stand in front of a group of people and talk about anything! And I definitely don't want to stand in front of them and share my story. But I felt God pushing me to do it, so I agreed. Then just a couple days before I was supposed to stand up there and tell those ladies how much I trusted God to make something beautiful out of this horrific loss, I got the news that I had miscarried again. I was stunned. I just kept asking why? When the dust started to settle, I realized that the day had come for me to stand up there and share my testimony. I didn't want to. The whole way to church I kept trying to come up with reasons why I could back out. But I kept driving. I prayed that I would have the words to say and not just be a blubbering mess standing up there and when I stood up there, He gave them to me. 

But life continued beyond that moment. Baby loss is pretty hush hush. People don't want to talk about it. There's this feeling of shame, like you've done something that caused this. There's a feeling of loneliness because most of the time we don't know anyone else that has been through this. And then there's this horrible ache that never goes away. 

I've battled with depression since 2006 and since last May I've struggled not to get pulled down into this black hole of pain and loss. I've had to fight through tears every single day. They come when you least expect it and anything can trigger it. My biggest trigger has been baby announcements. I don't think we realize how many of those we see with our ever-growing exposure to social media. Some days I feel like my Facebook news feed is nothing but baby announcements and since we're being completely transparent, I can't look at them. I want so badly to be happy for them, especially people close to me, but each one is like a knife to the chest. I'm assuming that with time this will get better, but right now I just have to remove myself from situations where there are babies.

Not long before Christmas, one of my dearest friends announced that she was pregnant. I'll never forget the care she took in sharing that news with me or how aware she was of my pain. I don't know if it was the care she took in telling me or what that changed things with her, but I found myself overjoyed for her. While I may not have my own precious bundle to love on right now, I could certainly steal a few snuggles with her little one!

{Side note: obviously, I'm not saying that every parent that makes a baby announcement should be catering to the needs of parents that have lost a baby...not at all. If you're expecting, you share it with the world!! Relish that joy and soak up every single moment!!! While I may struggle to share your joy in the midst of my pain, I'm so wishing that my heart will hurry up and heal so I can jump up and down and celebrate with you!} 

Throughout her pregnancy, that joy never changed. Other announcements broke my heart all over again. I didn't visit friends that delivered in the hospital. I skipped baby dedication Sunday at our church. If anything baby or pregnancy related was involved, I stayed far away. 

Then it was time for her baby shower. I headed into Target just planning to pick up a gift card for her, but decided to just stop by the registry station to see what was on there. Certainly I could walk down an aisle and pick up an item from the list, pay for it and go without incident. Up until this moment I had avoided the baby section of any store like the plague. But list in hand, items to purchase marked on the list, I headed straight into the danger zone. And as I stood there, bottle brush in one hand and a formula dispenser in the other, I lost it. I ugly cried right there in the middle of Target surrounded by staring shopping. Y'all if you're ever shopping in the baby section and there is a hysterically crying woman, stop what you're doing and hug her. It doesn't matter if you don't know her. And if you're not brave enough to hug a stranger, at the very least don't stare at her like she's crazy. I managed to get the items I needed and make it to the baby shower without any further incident.

When her sweet little baby girl made her way into the world, there was no question that I would go to the hospital to see her. I'd already survived Target and if I'd ugly cried in her hospital room, she would have completely understood. But standing there that day, holding that precious little baby, something was different. I still don't know what it is, but she's different. Maybe it's because I know her mom gets it. I don't know. I have absolutely no idea why this one baby is different, but I feel just a little bit better holding her.

So Saturday night as I sat there holding this sweet little girl and talking to her mom, the words finally came to me. I finally knew exactly what was eating me up inside. Lately, I've been dealing with baby announcements that hit a little closer to home. People closer to me than a friend from high school that I haven't seen in years. Either close friends are getting pregnant or I'm seeing people that don't want kids getting pregnant. As someone that wants a baby more than my next breath, I can't explain the pain of talking to someone who says they never want kids in one breath and announces they're expecting in the next. I don't get it. 

That's exactly my problem. I've been mad, hurt, just plain angry because I don't get it. While I still understand that God's ways are higher than mine, there are days that I can't help but entertain the thought that maybe He needs some help up there. The wires are getting crossed and babies are getting sent to the wrong houses. Yes, I'm totally aware of how irrational this is, but the whys are eating me up. And because I don't like to show weakness, you can bet that I've shared this thought process with exactly no one.

But on Saturday, when I word vomited this all over my friend. She didn't tell me I was being unfair or irrational. She only said two words and they meant the world...I understand. Maybe my anger is misplaced. And I'm definitely not handling it well, by isolating myself, but I'm doing the best I can. So on Sunday, when we literally dragged ourselves to church, I couldn't help but smile as we sang...

Nothing can separate

Even if I run away

Your love never fails

I know I still make mistakes

You have new mercy for me everyday

Cause Your love never fails

You stay the same through the ages

Your love never changes

There may be pain in the night

But joy comes in the morning

Throughout Sunday School and our church service, I kept feeling this pull that I needed to write this. Maybe it's just meant to be therapeutic for me to get it out, maybe it's supposed to push me out of my comfort zone, or maybe, just maybe somebody reading this is going through the same thing and needs to know they're not alone. 

Beyond showing weakness, I've struggled to write this because we haven't shared this with many people. At the time, my husband especially didn't want to share it with even the people closest to him. There are people that will see this and have no idea that we've been dealing with this and some of those people will feel like they had a right to know or that it's unfair that they had to read it here. I don't have response for that. I can only say that we're dealing with this in the only way we know how and that's a day at a time. And today, I'm stepping out in obedience. I believe I was told to write this, I believe God confirmed that for me over the weekend, and I believe He's given me the words to finally write this down today. 

I'm about a month away from what would have been my due date and I don't doubt for a second that this one will be just as difficult. I don't know what time will bring. I don't know if someday we'll finally be decorating another nursery or swaddling a precious little baby. I have no idea. All I can do is continue to take this one day at a time.

To our two precious boys in Heaven, Eli & Ezra, we love you more than you'll ever know and I can't wait to see your beautiful faces, count your fingers and toes, and smother you with hugs and kisses on the other side.